fragments

FOR FUCKS SAKE INEED TO SSTOP MYSELF FROMBEING A WALKING PARADOX

dont perceive me i say.
But i think i Mean something else.
i want to be seen. just not all the way?

Not by everyone.
just the right pair of Eyes. whoever that istho.

The thought of it happening shrinks me a bit.
it’s Weird. wanting it & Not wanting it.
Being afraid of being misunderstood but also afraid of Being understood too well.

“it’s not that deep.”
But it stays with me.
like a quiet something i can’t shake.
or one of those dumbass lowercase metaphors i keep slipping into when im not paying Attention.

Maybe it doesn’t mean anything.
maybe it does.
Either way i think about it too much.

15/4//2025

Been replaying those Little pings in my head on loop. First one alrwaddy felt off. then another. same quiet buzz. now it just feels… Familiar. i thought Id feel something else but its Kind ofFlat. when i see it i pause but thats All. i don’t say much. kept stepping back. its Easy. kind of calm. kind of Blank. a bit guilty for Pulling away. a bit annoyed .At myself. i want to reach out. & i don’t @ the same timE. tired. so i’m letting it stay here in the fragments where it cant Bother me.

420 18/4/2025

ive Been updating less becaause lately ive been a little tired and been questioning everything. nothing Deep tho. bcs i stil play ML, only Less. but rn im truky grateful for Music. especially when its in a language i dont understgand.

CantSleep. Almost 5. i dont Know if its Becsus domethjngs Bothering me or If i slept too much today

17/4/2025

didnt Watch the movie. Saw a tiktok and almost Cried. now its almost 3am and i have 5hours of lecture tomorrow but id like to make a list Of things that are bothering me rn.
1)iremovedthis18/4cuzitssettledanditskindofembarassing
2) idk If im on the right path. not just in studies. But like everything. i feel like im So far from my Real purpose. but In first fplace i dont evem know what is it. 3) What if my website gets deleted and i lose everything
4) How do i Change
5) i Want to disappear
6) Gyaru So Cool

16/4/2025 12am

so far i have only uploaded like 30 pictures cuz i gotLike distracted and tats Onky like 10% of my insta posts... Whatever im gonna watchh
a movie. i think its a gay movie. tangerines

15/4/2025(its 9pm now)

i have decided. im making a new page for my instagram arcchives. similar to the residue page. not sure if itll be a messy one or an organized one. but yeah i think im going to actually deacctivate my insta and delete the app. i think this is right.
940pm now. screenshotted some pictures off My archives and did the coding now i need to upload the pictures. i will miss u instagram

FUCKk SIAL APASAL BENDA SAMA ULANG BALIK

TO U/ OLEASE STOP

yea only I can be Pretentious. DIAM BABI

15/4/2025

Listened to a song. not telling what
No not Gatekeeping. It has 36million plays On Spotify
it Felt like the end of something
but not in a Loud way.
not dramatic. not sad.
Just… like the part after it ends.
when Everything is still warm
but u already knw it’s over.

The air felt different.
like the way you walk home after something big.
not sure if it went well or not
but Ithappened. & that’s enough.
that quiet ache in your chest
that’s not p ain. not Joy. just
the *weight* of Things settling.

thoughts felt far away.
but not in a numb way.
more like floating.
like when you close a book & just sit there
staring at the wall
trying to hold onto the last line
before it disappears.

kept thinking about How weird it is
how some things change you
without Asking.
like a conversation. or a touch. or a look
U weren’t supposed to Remember
but did anyway.

there was no music playing
but it felt like there should be.
like a soft ending credit
after a scene no one else saw.

hahah im So cringe but its ok

I Am Free

15/4/2025

.just got back.
walked in Rain
a 7 min walk. maybe more. felt shorter though. didn’t rush. didn’t Care.
but like… the type that Doesn’t require an umbrella
not Soft. not heavy. just… enough. enough to exist.
& i Liked it. maybe because of the music.

felt cinematic in the dumbestWay
felt like something was Syncing.
the rain. the silence.

kept thinking about how weird it is
that we can’t just… feel things in public
without looking Deranged.
like smiling by yourself. or crying without hiding.
feels illegal.
you do that & someone’s gonna think you’re unwell.
unless you fake a phonecall.
public emotion is only okay if you make it aesthetic.

maybe i *am* not so well.
or maybe evryone else is just too good at pretn]eding. and i wonder why do we pretend

i always say i like being alone.
but sometimes i wonder if that’s just easier to say
than explaining the part where i start pulling away
when things start feeling too Close.
like i’m waiting for the disconnect before it happens
so i make it Happen first.

it’s not the friend-making part.
it’s the part where i start feeling like a Guest in the room
like someone let me in by accident & i’m just waiting for them to notice.

maybe i’m lying. maybe i’m not. maybe both.

still.
i think i’m happy.
whatever that means.

though kf sSomething During class but i forgot. Ill tell U soooner or later

still 15/4//2025

before i go to sleep. I’d like to think of Every possible outcome. Like My past. like where i’d be Now if i hadn’t saidThat one thing or if i had. if i stayed 5 minutes longer or left five minutes Earlier and if i Walked instead oftaking the train. if i never Answered. if i Never Met them. if i said (Yes. or no. or nothing.x i’d like 2 know how it would’ve felt if we never stopped talking. or if we never started. Or if i said what i actually meant. ’d like to think of every possible outcome. like my past. like where i’d be now if i hadn’t said that one Thing or if i had. if i stayed five minutes longer or left five minutes earlier. If i walked instead of taking the train. if i never answered. if i never met them. if i said yes. Or no. or nothing. I’d like 2 know how it would’ve felt if we never stopped talking. Or if we never started. or if i said what i actually meant. or if i never Existed at All. i’d like 2 trace back every version of myself that could’ve existed. open them up like tabs. compare the ruins. pick my fav. close them anyway.

15/4//2025

just archived more pictures on instagram annd i think i should deactivate soon. for a while. maybe not deactivate. i should just log off. Yes ok

wht IF i deleted my instagram

Do i really need isntagram

i mean this website is kind of everythig i Need. i can post. i can Write. whatever i want, wthout nhaving 2care if it offends other people or even if they care at all. Because rthid is my website. soemtbing i created. by me and for me

i have showered

havent showered. I LOVEm Y WEBSITE. i love GIRLBLOGGING> i love The INTERNET why didnt i do this sooner

13 APRIL

ok finally done for now.just gotta wait for website to updat. going 2 shower.TTYl

11/4/ 025

been a lIttle depressed Lat ly but not relly.like im okay. But also not.. jz a little disconnected i guess LIKE not sad just. somewhere Else (?)like floating around in my own head too much. not even thinking. just existing in a weird static. not good. not bad. just weird. like when ur in a car and u zone out and suddenly ur at the destination and u don’t remember the road at all. like that everything i write on google docs turns into some fake deep entry written by some Dramatic edgy teenage mess LLIKE the vibe is sooo wannabe tortured poetic girlWho thinks she’s in a coming-of-age film. but make it tumblr 2014…And it’s lowkey cringe. no. actually. it is Cringe. like remember that time i talked about my new airpods??? it turned into some deep philosophical monologue about silence and noise and the sound of life and the cinematic weight of nothingness like ok calm down shakespeare. ITS ANC. It’s not that Deep and the worst part is. i meant all of it i meant Every word but also.. it’s not that deep yeah i Hate sounds that i hate.Yeah i feel Bad for animals. and the airpods do help me breathe and i love them. they make the world quieter. more tolerable. but it didn’t need to become some pseudo-philosophical mnifesto Abt existence and auditory overstimulation it could’ve just been “bought airpods. love them. now i can finally stop hearing ppl breathe like dDemons on the train.” boom. done. But no. i had to spiral. had to make it A Thing. had to romanticise it same with that entry abt Aquaria. i was literally just trying to write abt fish & sea tunnels & cool lighting but somehow i ended up spiraling into a whole rant abt my 1-month ex like how. how does that happen? i started w jellyfish and ended w heartbreak Like my brain just swerved into breakup territory Started talking about my ex like i was Writing a script for an indie film about Grief & koi fish???? how does that even make sense I’m not even sad anymore. but the words just… slithered there. like it knew. like some part of me was waiting to bring it up again for what. for WHO. i can’t keep doing this i can’t keep turning every mildly emotional moment into some deep reflective monologue like it’s exhausting. maybe being fakedeep is just part of being young or whatever like a weird side effect of not having enough real problems but i’m LITERALLY pushing 20 now!!!! like that’s two decades. twenty years of spiraling. i need to chill. i need to stop. i need to shut up sometimes i act like everything i feel is profound like every minor inconvenience is an epiphany i miss a bus and suddenly it’s a metaphor for lost opportunities and time slipping thru my fingers I can’t keep acting like a mysterious girl who stares at ceilings and Writes poems in lowercase while listening to cigarettes aft er sex that’s not me. or maybe it is But like. in moderation. maybe that’s just how my brain works. maybe i can’t help it maybe that’s the only way i know how to process things. like spiraling is my first language. i was raised in it Orrrrrr maybe being fakedeep is a rite of passage or Soemthu. like we’re all meant to go thru our tragic poet phase before we hit 21 and realize no one cares about our symbolism but still. it’s starting to get embarrassing. even for me like sometimes i reread my stuff and physically recoil idk and now ive done it again. Turned something simple into Some stupid 138383828 word essay As if i write things and halfway through i forget why i even started it’s like i black out and wake up 800 words later talking abt things i swore i moved on from like. i can’t even talk abt aquariums without emotionally unpacking an entire breakup i can’t even write abt headphones without psychoanalysing my hate for human interaction and the worst part is. it always sounds like i’m trying to be artistic like im trying too hard and maybe i am. Or mybe i Just don’t know how to talk normally maybe this is normal for me. the Spirals. the tangents. Th way everything always leads back to something Sad Mmaybe i’ll look Back on all of this and laugh or maybe i’ll delete everything and pretend it never existed but for Now .ill let it be here just another dumb r}mble that accidentally turned into something kind ofEmotional avain *aomerhing ip osted on insta*

Truly im grateful for everything

April 10 2025

i hate it when people treat “lesbianism” like a second option do you get it Like when girls get their hearts broken by a guy and suddenly they’re “queer” Like. Fuck men. Men are trash. Let’s all kiss girls now, As if it’s some joke.. Some trend. Some kind of revenge plot As if loving girls is just a backup plan Something aesthetic. Something soft. Something that makes u look cool and emotionally evolved or whatever No You don’t get it You don’t even try to get it i’m so sick of it Like. How do you not see the difference? How do u not see how sickening it is to watch ppl use queerness use us as escapism You find a girl hot and suddenly you’re bi n nkw You think ur guy situationship is exhausting and now u wanna “explore” As if being a lesbian is just a detour,just something u try when men suckAnd when it’s over, u run back to the same kind of guy who doesn’t even respect u Who doesn’t even know how to communicate. Who gives u the bare minimum But somehow.. U still fall for him. And somehow. We’re the fantasy. We’re the ones u go to when it’s convenient. we’re the aesthetic u pull out when u wanna feel different Feel new.. Feel seen You don’t understand what it’s like To actually be in love w a girl To actually want her. Need her. Not as a statement, not as a rebellion. But bc u do Bc she’s her And it’s not just about finding someone pretty @4It’s not about “fuck men” It’s not about being “so done” w dating. It’s about something deeper. Something real And you Guys don’t get it. You reduce it U act like it’s interchangeable. Like love is interchangeable It’s not Yea i know ppl get confused. i know sexuality isn’t always a straight line And i get that cuz I do too Even i’m confused sometimes. Even now I don’t know if i’m attracted to guys Like sure. Maybe 2d guys. Maybe anime boys. But that’s not the same That’s thirst. That’s surface. That’s daydreaming over pixels n voices When i really think abt it. When i really sit w it I’ve never loved a real guy. Not fully. Not the way i loved her And i did love her She was my first n my last My first love. My first everything And maybe that’s part of it Maybe i never moved on Maybe that’s why i still feel stuck Maybe that’s why i can’t even tell if i’m a lesbian or if i just loved her But i did love her. That much i know And not bc she was a girl Not bc of what she looked like But bc she was her Bc she made me feel seen. Wanted. Understood And that version of her. The version i loved I don’t even know if she was real I don’t know if she existed Maybe she was just an image i painted Someone i built up in my head But i miss Her I miss the way i felt around her. I miss us And i know we’ll never have that again. iKnow she’s gone. Maybe She’s always been gone And it hurts. Not in a romantic comedy kind of way. not in the “i’ll find someone new” kind of Way But in the quiet kind? In the way that lingers.. In the way that changes u And maybe i am a lesbian Or maybe i’m just someone who loved deeply onceAnd lost Either way What ur doing What so many Of u are Doing It’s not the same It’s not love. And it’s not fair to pretend it is

9/4/2025

Ever since I got the noise cancelling AirPods everything’s a movie now and I don’t think that’s an exaggeration. At least to me.Everything sounds cinematic. Quiet. Yet somehow Louder at the same time. I can hear my own footsteps echoing up the Stairs to level 3. Not even trying to sound dramatic but first time I turned it on I just stood there. Literally. The voices Filling the cafe. Gone. The whole lunch crowd vanished in one tap. background gone. Like the world got muted. Not completely. But enough.Enough to feel like something shifted. #Maincharacterunlocked do U get me I got them for music. Obviously. But the ANC alone is almost better. Maybe way better. No sound. Just air. Just nothing. just perfect But it’s only AirPods 4. not even Pro 2& Some say those are better RM1099 for a bit more silence So now I wonder what that would feel like. Could it really be that different? Would I even notice? but whatever These are already good Enough.. And I like them more than I thought I would & the truth is It was never really about music. Not for Me. It’s always been about escaping sound That’s why I blast music when I’m around people. Or alone. Or walking. Or on the train. Not to enjoy it. Just to drown shit out Even if it’s too loud. Maxed out volumes, uncomfortable,To thepoint it hurts. Just so it’s louder than my brainOr the people. Or the fan noises. Or cars. Or life but i barely wear earphones when I’m alone in my room I mean id turn on music. But not too loud. Just enough to Enjoy it &&& Sometimes I don’t even play anything. Just put them in Just to block things out. It’s like I need a physical layer between me and the world Even when I’m alone Especially when I’m not but obviously normal earphones werent enough Cuz I’d still hear everything almost clearly n So that’s why I’d turn the volume up The silence could be described as cinematic Not the kind you find in actual quiet places. But the kind that wraps around you.. Makes you feel like you’re not really here. Like someone pressed pause on the rest of the world This also made me think thaf Noise pollution is real nWe don’t talk about it enough Mow I feel bad forthe animals They never even asked for this At the same tho it’s kind of sad Kind of embarrassing too.. that I hated the sound of “life” so much. The giggles. The chatter. The background hum of a world that’s too awake Too loud. Too close I think if I lived somewhere farLike actually far. No buildings. No cars. Just wind and water and leaves and dirt, I probably wouldn’t need these. Wouldn’t even think to put them in. Not that I’d find a pair if I was that far out anyway But the idea of it. The quiet. Sounds niceBut that’s not where I live So yeah Silence costs RM829 now . Also I got the iPad Air M3. And the Apple Pencil Profew days ago Like. What How did that happen Grateful asf. Even if I don’t always feel it & most Importantly 90% of the money was mineIdk from where. It just. Appeared 829 for the AirPods. 3199 for the iPad. 549 for the pencil but Mum did gave RM500 for the iPad And she doesn’t even know about the other stuff. 500 out of 4600. That’s like 10% Insane. Even weirder. Those aren’t even all the things I bought This month’s been.. too much But like. In a good way? I’m lucky. Really.Even if I don’t always feel it. Makes me think maybe I should start cherishing the little things more Cause ever since I did, Everything feels better. So much better. I hope thisfeeling will last Thank you world Thank you God Alhamdulillah

4/4/2025

Spent money like it was nothing today. Don’t know what got into me. Mom told me to put a deposit on that 3k iPad I’ve been eyeing. Wasn’t even sure if I should, but I did. Then, I bought the AirPods. At first, I thought the cheaper version would do. The ones without active noise cancellation. 200 less. But then my sister said the ones with noise cancellation were heavenly. So, yeah, I went for those. Not sure how I feel, honestly. Excited, I guess? Maybe it’s just me trying to make life feel like it’s going somewhere. Like, if I buy things, maybe things will feel right again. Or maybe it’s just me. Anyway, it feels kind of amazing. Or maybe I’m just convincing myself of it. 829 airpods 3199 ipad apple pencil? should i get an alternative brand or apples 349 usb c pencil…. Update: i got the apple pencil pro for 549 Aftermath? 829+3199+549

John porks calling

3/4/2025

Went to Aquaria KLCC today. It was fine. nothing special. Remember it being bigger, brighter. Like stepping into a different world when I was a kid. Water was bluer, fish were shinier, Tunnels stretched on forever. but maybe nothing changed. maybe I just forgot how to see it like that. like how toys stop being magical. how places stop feeling like stories. I think about that a lot. Did dthings really change or is it just mE? does the world get duller or did I stop noticing? maybe both. maybe neither. Kept thinking about her. Didn’t mean to. didn’t want to. but before we broke up, she said she wanted to go there with me. Now I can’t walk through that place without hearing her voice in my head. Can’t look at the glass gtunnels without hearing her say “we should go someday” like it was already promised. But it’s not really her I miss. not the her that’s still around. I miss the her I knew. The one I was in love with. The one who smiled like the whole world was soft. Who blushed at the smalles things. Who turnedd red at every little joke. I liked her lips. liked how she looked when she tried to hold in a laugh. even her teeth. don’t even remember what they looked like but I know they were cute. I liked everything about her. Especiallyher eyes. & I know I sound pathetic. But I don’t want herBack. because that version of her is gone. & maybe she was never even real. maybe she was just my version of her. maybe she was only like that because she loved me. maybe I was only in love because I saw what i wanted to see. Would do anything to freeze it. just for a Moment. before it all fell apart. before everything turned this way. before I had to look at places & see ghosts.

april 2 25

Sometimes i wonder if other people feel like this. doubt it never really fit. Not in a cool way. not in a tragic way. Just in a way that makes me feel stupid for even thinking about it. Like if i ever said it out loud people would call me some cringe edgelord or just pathetic. & maybe they’d be right. sometimes i think about this. Not in a way that means anything just in a way that makes it less weird I can only care about one person at a time. not just love. Just everything & then one day they do something. Something small. & suddenly i cant stand them. It’s unbearable like something snaps & now every word sounds off. every action feels calculated& cruel even when i know it isn’t Then someone else takes their place Not always hate. Sometimes they just fade out. The person who was everything becomes nothing & i don’t even notice the shift until it’s over.like they never mattered. Like i made it up But sometimes the hatred or Love(?) stays.sits in my chest like it belongs there & when they speak it feels personal.like they’re waiting for me to fall apart Think of A box hidden away insied a closet, waiting for me to find it, and wash ovrr me again I don’t know if i actually care about people or if my brain just picks someone at random & decides they’re important. don’t know if i actually hate them either or if my head makes it up as it goes Feels fake.like everything is performative. I act like i care bc i should i act like i hate bc it feels necessary Think i’m a bad person. Not bc of what i do but bc of what stays in my head too long But none of this explains it right.it’s bigger than this messier.too much to turn into words I know it’s wrong to think like this but knowing doesn’t change anything & at the end of the day i don’t know myself. Don’t know if anything i just said is true or if i just want it to be. but what would be the point in making myself out to be something awful?pity?aesthetic?doesn’t make sense.but nothing makes sense People wish they had depression bc they think it’s cool.is this the same thing? Don’t think i’ll ever know

1/4/2025

went to Sunway Pyramid. second day of Raya. mostly Chinese people. makes sense. it’s fine. Sunway's like my Second Home anyway. & Raya is about going home. so maybe this counts. mom did That Thing again. the ruining-everything thing. says something insane, pretends she didn’t, then gets mad when we react. like it’s Our Fault for noticing. wish i could say what happened but it’s too embarassing. not for me. just in general. something that shouldn’t exis idk hoqw it STarted but like suddenly She started talking about responsibilites and like i told her once that i can spend my paychec however i want.its not like im buying drugs........................... i dont know. she told me i should Think about other people. talked about how she Always has to pay for us. food and neccessities. duh. i already gave my sister some money from my paycheck. she’s not expecting me to pay tuition. so what. why should i spend it on Other People just because she did. she’s Forty-Something. she has kids. of course she has to. That’s how it Works. it’s not like we could’ve worked. i only did because it was the Holidays. she got mad at that too. still dont see why. it’s not my Fault she got Married in her twenties. not my fault she got cheated on & divorced. not my fault she Thought he’d change after marriage. he didn’t. obviously. if someone cheats before, they’ll cheat after. dont know why she thought Otherwise. anyway. whatever. herez something i drew just now.

31/3/2025

Told my grandma a tragic little tale. Half true. how Everyone i know is from kelantan n has gold. like it’s just A Given. like it’s in their blood or skmething. Said it like it Mattered. like it was some great Loss. & Now. somehow. Hehe

30/3/2025

Sister No2 hit me. Hard. Cuz I took a picture of her. Tried to grab my phone. We fumbled. Next thing I knew, it was posted. On my 30-follower account. Couldn’t stop laughing. Even when she hit me. Someone saw. #LoL

29/3/2025

Raya’s in a few days. So. House cleaning. Went through my stuff. Found some of my old diaries. The ones from late 2022. Threw them out. Don’t know how to feel about it. Maybe it was the right thing. Maybe not. Maybe I should’ve kept them. Just a little longer. I don’t know. Whatever Ok

29/3?2025

How should i word it Thie weird art of not caring? this weird thing where i cry but don't care? like tears are just running down my face the sadness is there, but I'm still doing my things like nothing's happening and fully dissociate but in a "it's not that deep" way, like I'm used to it it's gonna happen again and I can't control it anyway But im sad. Really sad It feels like everything falling apart in really quick et U see everything in slowmotion I dont even know ehats going on anymore but im scared I know my future isnt bright, i dont know how long ill exist, maybe For quite a while. But how long will i, the current person i am, exist. How long am i myself Will the one to exist in future still be me, or only my flesh. Its hard to explajn Yet i also do nothingh about anything. Its not that i don care at all. I do, but not enough. Not enough for me to do anything I really hate myself I feel like I barely exist in real life, I'm just a temporary pc who's gonna appear in ur storyline once or two, talk to u only if u ask questions and maybe stay by your side if u ace the dialogue tree Do u knkw The feeling of like. Feeljng like an accessory or pet. Feeling like ur took for granted. I frel like that lately& i dont blame anyone. Though i dont feel so towards other peopel. I mean i dont even feel like they weigh that much in my life, not as much as i act they do. I need to distance myself Im sleepy goodnight Thabk you google docs But mayb i do care who Knows maybe i dont

March 28 25

Lately ive been feeling sad. Saw it coming. tried to keep it at arm’s length. But it still got in. Stupid. No, really. Over something small. barely anything. But for some reason, it stuck. And then for whatever reason, it dragged. now im thinking abt Something from years ago. smth i never even considered Real. just a thing that happened. a Moment that passed. I always said it never affected me. in fact i never even mentioned it. not to anyone. Not even to Myself. maybe that was it. maybe its bc i never stopped to think abt it. And now i Have. and now it’s there. I don’t know. M It’s weird, the way things stick to you without u realizing. How smth can sit in the background for years. completely Unnoticed. and then One day, bc of smth small, it’s just. there. and u have to deal w it. Even tho u never planned to. kind of scared ppl will figure it out. maybe even the ones i’m talking abt. but whatever. Everyone should be able to talk abt what’s bothering them. even if it’s messy. Even if it’s Wrong. We csnt be right all the time. Right. so me & someone planned to iftar together. weve been talking abt it for so long. When Ramadhan came, we finally picked a date. i was busy w work. They were only free first & last week. asked them when. they told me to Choose. So i did. Sunday or smth. Asked if friday was good. they said yeah. So friday it was. I was excited. But i’ve always been indecisive when other people are involved. doesn’t matter how close they are. I don’t know. just want them to be comfortable. dont want them to feel like they HAVE to go along w whatever i say. So i wanted them to decide. bc i genuinely cant. My brain just stops. but thats not the point. I didn’t just leave everything to them. made a List. all the places at the mall. budget ranges. Everything. sent it to them. waited. and Waited. It wasn’t even that long. but it felt long. I was looking forward to it. knew they were on their phone. saw them playing mobile legends. They even replied. Ignored everything i sent. Just invited me to play ML instead. I played. after that brought up iftar again. they said wait. disappeared. every time i tried to confirm, they’d say it’s still on. but that’s it. No actual plans. No decision. I was rushing a little. needed to book a table. then it was THURSDAY. day before friday. Evening. still undecided. told them maybe its too late to book. suggested food court instead. they agreed. Before i slept, asked again if they’re really going. they said yes. i told them i was excited. Wanted texas Chicken’s chicken tenders before going home. I work 9-5. we had to be there by 6:30. traffics bad. Wouldn’t have time to go Home & change. So i packed my bag before sleeping. makeup. clothes. everything. woke up for sahur. saw their text. just a short apology. Of course its canceled. I was Heartbroken. really heartbroken. yeah, they forgot abt a potluck. fine. it happens. But still. My feelings are valid. im allowed to be upset. right. but for some reason it turned into smth else. i dont even know why. Can’t explain it. Too much. Mostly disgust. Which is weird. confusing. Even upset at myself. It sort of brought me back. To when my parents first got divorced. My relationship w my dad got worse. or maybe it was always one-sided. I Hated him. & Sometimes he’d pick us up. Take us out. i hated it. Every second. Hated being around him. Felt like a chore. a waste of Time. & He was Always late. Later than he said he’d Be. one time. he promised to pick us up at 6. we waited. 7. 8. 9. almost 11. then he canceled. just like That. i wasnt even looking forward to it. but still. It upsetted me. Though ofc. I never really thought abt it. Until now. Took me a week to finally reply to them like normal. I apologized. told them i was Down & all. By then they were already on their second break. last week of Raya. & Somehow we decided to try again. Sunday. late at night. we planned. Work drains me. But i thought it’d be worth it. Mondays too last minute. They said they csnt on Tuesday. so Wednesday or Thursday then. But then they said they Can’t go to the mall we planned. They suggested somewhere closer. Ofc it doesn’t matter. But ofc. same Thing happened. I asked for other places. No reply. nothing. So wednesday. 12AM. i told them i wont be wble to go. Everythings still undecided. last minute. too tricky for Me. What’s worse is that they never even replied. & I know they’re active. Saw them posting on insta. Playing minecraft w their friends. I dont know how to feel. Like a toy. Like i was replaced. Maybe i should get used to this. Again. Even tho i never even put hope in it. Or maybe i did. just a little. Just enough for it to turn into despair. I don’t know. don’t know if i want to talk to them again. For now.

13)4 part111000

8am jusr woke up wtf im Early. even Dreamt abt my website. im going to continue.

aprillll1333333

UGH Ok how do i make this Stupid link towork? it’s still Just “page not found” and i’m about to throw my laptop. I just want my site to be chill.Just wanna be a grrlblogger. nothing crazy. but i’m here, stuck, Foinhg the same thing over And over. i’ll fix it tomorrow. i guess. washed my hair 6pmyesterday and i’m still greasy?? it’s only 2:59am, but i swear i feel like i’ve been living in this skin for weeks. don’t even care, but somehow it’s all i’m thinking about. why is everything so off right now? it’s just annoying. but i’m here. i’ll wake up and pretend like Idont aant to rip my skin off. okay enugh about tha lets not turnthis in2 some long stupid entry im excited to eat tomorrow #eating #DIS #order FR

27/3/25

as soon as they walk in i don’t even have to think about it. It’s automatic. The glance at the shelves, the nod, the ask & their thick kelantan slang. Uphadyl. ofcourse as usual. i meqn ive been right more times than ive been wrong, which either says something about them or something about me. ound something out today. Thought about typing it, but it’d just make me look bad. Which, fair. But I’d rather not be the one to say it. Anyway, heres a page from my notebook. I dont thjnk anyoje could read it, but that’s kind of the point.

apr13

ITS FINALLY UP yay now im going to ctrl+v everything ive been writng on google docs